Diary:
June O3, 2009..as I lay awake early this morning, I wondered.."How lucky am I?" I had recently discovered that two of the neighbor girls that used to babysit for me had Breast Cancer. One is a survivor, one was just recently diagnosed. I thought about the invisible line that ran from me to them as we were growing up. How lucky I am. I had a recent physical, and I am in fine shape for an old lady. I had a mammogram, the results should be in soon. No worries...
The phone rang, it was the Breast Clinic, I need another mammogram, a special one.
They noticed "something" I had to make decisions fast, where to go for the special tests..I chose to go to Fargo. After all, that is where my primary care Doctor is. I waited for a phone call..and waited.. I called my Doctor's Nurse. She is a lovely gal, she has no more information for me other than the Radiologist saw something. Far Guy came in..and I told him "Now don't get all upset, but I have a tiny problem, I have to have an enhanced Mammogram to see if the "tiny somethings" are anything to worry about." I swore him to secrecy, no one will know until we know..no one needs to be sitting on pins and needles, no one needs to fret. I especially don't want anyone to "hover"..I hate hovering. I may tell my two best friends, they know me well and they will not hover. Am I shocked? NO. Am I worried? YES. Will my worry show? I HOPE NOT. Am I saying why me? NO. Do I think this is fair? It Is not unfair. Am I afraid of death? NO. (But I hate pain.) Right now ..what is a big pain in the butt is waiting for the fricking phone to ring so that an appointment can be scheduled. It might be a harmless cyst..it might be a cancerous tumor..well lets get this show on the road..and find out.. I hate uncertainty.
June 04 , 2009 Still no appointment for the enhanced mammogram. Still waiting.. waiting really sucks.. I was so stressed out today, I had two naps.. Today I am worrying about my arm that has hurt for weeks, and my leg that has hurt for years..
June 05, 2009 Finally a fricking appointment for the enhanced imaging.. why is it that they don't hesitate to call you with a problem..but you have to wait days for an appointment to begin the solution. Spent some good time with Maddie, it helps to focus on something else.
June 06, 2009 Far Guy and I discussed options, decided that if they find something..they can lop them both off..good riddance. If they only lop off one I would just list to one side or the other anyway. Instead of being my normal top heavy, I would be side heavy..and probably fall on my face. No bras, no more pain in the butt breasts..that is a good thought.
June 07, 2009 Far Guy is really stressed, he is having a major flare of his TN..no doubt from the added stress. I told my best friend this morning, she is so supportive and such a good friend. She says "OH..you might just have fatty breasts" LOL..yupp they are fat! Thoughts today are dismal..but probably just because I am over tired since Far Guy is still having a flare..and sleeping is difficult for him..I nap here and there.
June 08, 2009 I am a TAD cranky..
June 09, 2009 Sleep is elusive, I am really, really tired. Finally Far Guy is getting some relief from his pain during the day. Nights are a different story.
June 10, 2009 Far Guy has an appointment with his new Neurologist..we get to play ring around the medication rosy. ..again... a dismal day, I saw a beautiful patch of wildflowers.
June 11, 2009 JEEZE LOUISE I am a real bitch, I am better off not talking to anyone or anything except maybe the dog.
June 12, 2009 I refuse to google anything concerning breasts or mammograms.. I feel old and flawed.
June 13, 2009 I call and talk to my other best friend's husband in the cities, he says she will return my call. I just need to hear her voice, she will know immediately that something is amuck. The waiting sucks. Chance and I spend the afternoon at garage sales and at the cemetery..Far Guy is off on a road trip with Trica, they went to get Maddie. I could have gone too, but I just didn't feel like it.
June 14, 2009 A bad day, a really bad day, there seems no escape. I do escape to the neighbors, we talk about the old days when we were kids. Things were simpler then, less complicated. I am exhausted, it is so nice to just sit in the shade and watch all the dogs.
June 15, 2009 I decided today to take control, I AM NOT going to go for the enhanced tests.. Far Guy and I argue, I tell him it is my body and I am in charge and I am not telling anyone the results.. I am unreasonable.. and still cranky. I talk to my friend in the cities, she is encouraging, she has had to return for enhanced imaging also..she says the wait is the worst part. I agree.
June 16, 2009 A few more days..I can wait a few more, I can hang in there and be strong.. I am strong.. I am SO TIRED. I need my hair done, that will perk me up! My friend from the cities calls, with a message her Mother always shared with her....the message "A true friend is a person who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
June 17, 2009 Well at least I will have great lookin' hair for the big boob test tomorrow..finally tomorrow has almost come. I hope I don't flunk this test..I suppose it will be days before I get the results. I am not sure how many more of these stress filled days I can handle.
June 18, 2009 A long quiet ride, we are both wanting this to just be over. It is a beautiful misty morning..gloomy but beautiful. I arrive early for "The Tests" similar to the normal boob masher..except with a smaller upper target area, that squishes your boob with enough force to take you to the floor. The technician is very nice, she shows me my mammograms and points out the areas of concern, three on the right, two on the left, she calls them calcifications. I ask how long until we know the results? She replies "OH most of the time the Radiologist reads them right away, and makes a determination. Either they will be non cancerous, or cancerous or require a biopsy. Ninety percent of the patients that need this enhanced imaging, leave here with the results." FANTASTIC.. no more waiting.. wait tell I tell far Guy and Chance! The stress has been so bad for Far Guy, and I have not been the easiest person to live with the last 15 days either. The tests commence, they are very painful, I tell her If I pass out, to just finish them up while I am unconscious. Everytime I grit my teeth together and make noises she says "I am sorry." Well so am I. I keep telling myself, be nice, be cheerful, she might have RESULTS. What ever they are I can deal with it..just tell me something. I sit in the lonely little cubicle, I have two reading choices, Breast Health or Design a Garden.. I just stare at the floor, and wait, eventually picking up the gardening magazine. The technician returns and says "The Radiologist can not make a determination until he sees all your mammograms from Park Rapids, I reply "You have them, because I have only had two there, a baseline done years ago and this years. All the rest of them should be at this facility, as they were done here. She consults my chart and finds a note .. From J, that says " This patient will be in on Thursday, I have all her prior mammograms." But J is "Out of her office and won't be back until Monday" No one can find out where in the world she put my mammograms, and the Radiologist refuses to do a determination without them. The technician apologises, and says " Maybe someone will get back to you next week sometime, J will be back on Monday, but I am off the first part of next week..sorry. I know the waiting must be terrible." Well I am often speechless like Thumper, and quiet like a small rabbit too..but not for long. I find Far Guy and Chance in the parking lot and explain that because some broad has my mammograms we will not know anything for a while yet. As I gaze into the heavily tinted windows I say "Somewhere in that F..ing building, are my f..ing mammograms and no one here knows where the F that is ..take me home...now " I cuss some more and then bawl, when we get home, I do sleep for a few hours, then I get up and barf. It has been a day.
June 19, 2009 Well it is a miracle, they are benign calcifications!!! The really nice technician called me this afternoon, with the good news. ...what a relief. I am overjoyed, and so is Far Guy. The Radiologist said " They appear to be benign calcifications, you should come back for another mammogram in six months." How about that!! I just have old lady boobs, a patient and understanding husband, a loyal dog, great lookin' hair color, and special friends that carried me through with their prayers. Now for my blog readers I know that you would have been supportive also, but I just needed to do this alone. You were all very helpful in your own way, with your comments always seeming to come when I was the most discouraged. As for members of my family, some hover, many have worries of their own and don't need me adding to their worries, most have been notified of the "Good News" ..isn't it nice not to have to worry about the bad news before you get the good news. :)
